A few things have been sitting around in my mind and I just feel like dumping them here. My last post was probably nearly a year ago, and a lot has happened since then:

• I no longer have a job
• I bought a car, but I haven’t gotten my P’s
• I still have no clue about what to do for my final year project
• My cat, Peanut, turned 2 human years old
• 2011 was awesome compared to 2010!

But the biggest thing that has happened to me was that I had found someone special!

I met him at uni while I was with a friend, and I ended up talking to him because I liked the way he customised his laptop. Who would’ve guessed that a couple of months later, from the beginning of the new semester, we’d be talking every day, and meeting up whenever we can at uni… Eventually I realised I can’t go a day without talking to him, and that a day at uni would be unfulfilling if I did not get to see him, no matter how productive I was.

I felt attracted to him during the first few weeks of the semester, and the feeling intensified as time went on. I was always happy to see him – not at all annoyed or felt that his presence was unpleasant… instead I looked forward to the next time I would see him. Despite all of this, I still had my insecurities. I wondered if he felt the same way. I thought he was just leading me on. I just felt like all the past situations where I thought things were going somewhere, which turned out to be just wishful thinking, were repeating themselves. We joked around a lot, especially after he found out I was ticklish… Sometimes I would try to keep my distance whenever I felt angry at him, because as much as I had liked him at the time, I didn’t want to push him away by showing him this insecure side of me.

I still remember our first hug. He walked me to the station and I still had time, so he bought me a drink. I hugged him before I left.

Around mid-semester I was very sick for two weeks. To much of the design students’ dismay, I still turned up to all of my classes, and spent most of my spare time in the computer labs, coughing my lungs out. He’d always drop by and prescribe me some form of remedy: oranges, strepsils and a gargle which frankly raped my tastebuds – but I trusted him so I kept it up once a day. He was there for me until I was fully recovered, and long after that too. I guess during those two weeks was when he really won me over.

The end of semester was nearing and projects were due one after another. It was a busy period for both of us and we still kept up the messages and ate together whenever we could. I was getting very stressed out but talking to him has always kept me happy and calm.

When uni ended, I was afraid that we’d grow distant from each other, since we won’t see each other as often anymore. I wasn’t sure how to ask to keep in touch… so I just waited. I thought if we were meant to be, then things would somehow sort themselves out, and an opportunity to meet will present themselves. And then we ended up going to the graduate exhibition at uni together. It seemed that every time we meet, it would be at uni. I didn’t think we would break away from that. During the exhibition I was grabbing both of his hands, making sure that he wouldn’t tickle me otherwise I’d trip and fall onto the graduate models… At the end of it all, we chilled at the student lounge. I rested my head on his lap and we stayed like that for a while. In his words, it was the first time we were really close to each other.

A few weeks went by, we became much closer, and it got to the point where I couldn’t deny my feelings for him. In the past whenever I got to this point, I become scared and ran away. In the end I did something I’ve never done before. I told him my feelings. Well. He tricked them out of me. Sneaky sneaky little…

We’ve been together for nearly two months now, but it indeed has felt much longer than that. It hasn’t exactly been the smoothest ride, but I really could not ask for more. Whenever I am with him, I feel “over the moon!”^^ I’ve never met anyone as caring and loving as him, who’s also quirky, weird, funny, adorable, supportive, understanding, smart, trustworthy, helpful, cheerful, respectful, talented and dedicated… I feel like I can take on the world when I am with him.

Just in case you happen to come across this post… I just wanna say thank you for putting up with this crazy nutjob [don't deny it] that happens to be your girlfriend, and here’s for many more months and good times to come *chuu*. Also Happy Chinese New Year ^^.

I love you. A lot. So much. Too much. +1.

It’s 5.23am and I should probably get my sleep on.

*catherine

The theme colour of this year will be BLUE!

warai aerutte sugoku shiawase na koto
sore wo kimi kara oshiete moraetan da yo

chiisana toki kara nandemo shitteite
kimi no shumi sono risou ni awaseyou to shita
sonna kimi ga kossori oshiete kureta
suki na hito toshiue no kirei na jousei
oitsukenai dakara chikara tsukau
kakou he trip soko de mata kimi to deai mata koi wo surun da

boroboro ni naite kimi wa sagashiteita
totsuzen ni naku natta atashi no omokage wo
hayaku kaero demo chikara wa ippoutsuukou mirai ni wa tobenakatta

tooku kara kitatte koto wo tsutaetai
demo sore wa dame datte dokoka de kizuiteta
toshiue no atashi wo mite kiku no
‘anata ni nita hito wo sagashitemasu nanika shirimasenka?’ to

boroboro ni natte ano hi wo sagashiteita
barabara ni natta futari wo tsunagou to shita
yamete atashi koko iru yo dakara doko ni mo ikanaide

mata haru ga kite kimi wa koko wo tatsu to kimeta
‘moshi anata ga ano hito dattara yokatta no ni’ to nokoshi

koi wo suru zeitaku na kanjou sore wo omoidashita
dakara zenryoku de sono te wo toru

boroboro ni natte kimi ni hontou wo tsutaeta
barabara ni natta jiku ni suikomareteiku
soshite mezametara soko wa ichimen haiiro no sekai

te ni motteta no wa furui daiji nai no shashin
konna iro wo shiteta jidai mo attanda
soko de mujaki ni waratteru kimi ni ai ni koko kara ippo wo hajimeta

mata waraeru ka na atashi kono sekai de
kimi no shashin wa oita mama de arukidasu

tsumetai kaze toka kawaru machinami made
hitori nokoshite oite icchai sou da ne
tsubuyaku serifu wa sugu ni mienakunatte
yokei ni naze ka sekai ni oshitsubusareru

donna ni kanashimi ga kao wo misete mo
makenai kimi ga suki nanda
‘ashita chotto wa mashi ka mo na’
sou itte aruku nakigao wa
kinou no kimi yori tsuyoku naru

moshi kimi ga michi wo mayotte
soko de namida wo nagashitemo
sono ato ni kitto niji wa kakaru
itsumo boku ga soba ni iru kara
ame ga yamanai donna toki mo
waraeru yo

nemurenai yoru mo itami koraeta hi mo
norikoeta kimi no doryoku, wakatteiru kara
mou gamanshinai de naite mo iin da
sunao na kokoro misete yo
hitotsu, kietetta nakigao to
koukan de umareta ‘arigatou’
fuan na ashita mo daijoubu

moshi kimi ga ame ni utarete
hitori namida wo kakushitemo
koe wo koroshite sakendemo
sotto boku ga dakishimeru kara
nani mo kamo issho ni wakeaou
ashita e to

kimi ga iru kara
iya na koto nigetai kokoro
boku wa uchikeshi tonari de sasaerareru
futari de ireba
namida mo fui [nuku] ashita mo hareru
mahou no you ni nanika wo kaeru
ashita e
ashita e

kakegae no nai hitori no kodou
mamoreru dake no uta wo sourou
itsumo boku wa soba ni iru kara
(We gotta go)

moshi kimi ga…

moshi kimi ga michi wo mayotte
itsuka namida wo nagashitemo
sono ato ni kitto niji wa kakaru
sore ni boku ga soba ni iru kara
ame ga yamanai donna toki mo
waraeru yo

moshi asu ga kiete shimattemo
kimi to koushite tsunaide ireba
sekai no dareyori shiawase darou
nani yori mo taisetsu na hito
kono saki mo issho ni itainda
suki dakara

Japanese host student. His host family made a last minute booking at the restaurant I worked at. When they came in, we were completely swamped with customers, and I couldn’t work properly… The moment I saw him, I gave him an apologetic look, because we’re not an authentic Japanese restaurant, and that was what his host family wanted LAWL.

His host family got me to help communicate with him.. I did so willingly.. but unskillfully. My mind froze, and I only communicated with him word by word.. my grammar is so broken.. but he still tried to understand. Things like ‘do you need to go shopping for anything?’ and ‘did you get souvenirs for your family?’ and ‘when are you going back?’… He said that he’ll get souvenirs towards the end of his trip, which is 21st of March.

We ran into some complications, and eventually… they started their teppanyaki meal. I watched him catch the egg, and he caught all of them successfully. I got him another drink, and whispered ‘ganbatte’ to him for the next teppanyaki game. He gave a slight smile and a thumbs up. I melted LAWL. When he stood up to play the ‘catch the bowl’ game, I was stunned by his perfect stature… perfect height and perfect degree of “skinniness”. He pwns all the JE guys, seriously.. they should scout him!! I made my rounds around the restaurant, and every time I look his way, he’s always looking at mine. When I make eye contact, he shifts his eyes away. Ah, innocence. He’s still in high school.

Meeting him threw away my logical side. Usually I would still be sane, and think that this is not real, it’s just a phase, that I’ll get over it in 20 minutes… that he’s no good because he’s too young… he doesn’t even live here, he has a family back in Japan… These were the kind of thoughts I would be thinking in normal situations… But no, all I could think of was how to be closer to this person I was so curious about.

When it was time for him to go… I just froze… I wanted to prolong the time we said our goodbyes. His host dad thanked me for helping them out, and I apologised that I couldn’t do more. I kept glancing at him, but all he gave was a brisk wave… I wanted to say ‘have a safe trip’… but, well, cat got my tongue I suppose. My mind froze like it did so many times that night when I tried to talk to him. I watched him leave… out the door, til I couldn’t see him again…

When he was gone, I went crazy. I ran up and down the restaurant, unable to keep my cool. What I was feeling was pure emotions, adrenaline and a longing for a person – which I haven’t felt since like 5 years ago in year 10.

But… my memory of what he looked like is beginning to fade… I tried to draw an impression of him.. but nothing makes me feel the same… I tried to draw his eyes… the slanted (upwards) shape of his eyes… but I didn’t get it quite right. If anything, the more I drew, the harder it is to recall his looks…

Anyways… I should probably end here, I sound freaky enough as it is… Just wanted to write about today to remind myself that… I am indeed capable of having feelings, and knowing when it is “right”. The feeling of no regret, no turning back, and as corny as it sounds, the feeling of being with “the one”.. at the time I’ll never forget him.

*catherine

2010 was full of regret – wishing I did better in uni, wishing that I did not do this or that, wishing that could have done more…and wishing I was someone different. Last year was also a year full of unexpected turnouts, in which I’ve lost a lot of things that were once dearest to me. Everyone had high expectations of 2010, even I did… but as it turns out, frankly 2010 sucked bad.

Take it easy on me, 2011.

–

Here’s a trivial tradition I’ve kept up with for a while. Each year I have a colour theme… but I don’t rush myself to pick that particular colour by New Year’s Eve. I only settle on a colour when I feel it’s “right”, as I usually decide on a colour before of after the New Year. So far…

2008 – Red
Just thought it’d be good to start with my favourite colour.

2009 – Purple
TAKAHIRO’s favourite colour. From what I gathered it’s the colour of his “lucky underwear” his mum got for him to wear at his audition, so I decided it would be my lucky colour too

2010 – Yellow
It seemed like a happy colour, almost was like a wish for happiness for 2010… I was going through a Spongebob phase.

and finally, 2011 – White
The colour of a blank canvas, and a colour that closely relates to the meaning of my given name. Say if I am a beam of white light and I happen to walk into a piece of glass… BOOM, RAINBOW YAY.

Hmm I’m pretty happy starting off the year being a bit of a psycho. Happy 2011 everyone!

*catherine

For months and months now I’ve always wondered.. what if I was still talking to that person? What would our relationship be like now? If we had actually gotten together, which parts of me would change? Would we have lasted til now? Having these questions cross my mind constantly really distracts me from my daily activities. But why do I keep asking myself those questions when I was the one who had cut off everything? I was so sure I was making the right decision at the time… but what if I was wrong? Should I have made the “wrong” decision and stick with it, so now it would’ve turned out “right”?

Even though that person is one of the biggest pricks I’ve ever met, and I cannot stand being around him for a single minute, why do I try to imagine what it would be like to be with him? I don’t ever want to see him again, yet every time I board the train I look around to see if he is there. Why HIM, why not anyone else? I hate his guts, why is this even happening?

Maybe because he was the first person who listened. Maybe because he is the first person who cared for me unconditionally. Maybe it was those days we spent getting to know each other were so full of fun and laughter, and without a single worry in sight. Maybe it was the seemingly excessive hugs, the quiet walks, the company he provided when I was pulling an allnighter for uni… I realize that can never find another person like him, but I threw away our potential relationship anyway.

I still believe that decision was right. There were many clashes between us that I, being the insecure person I am, couldn’t handle. It just makes me so angry at myself that I would have any doubt at all in my own choices.

Many months have passed since then, and I have to find a way to leave all this behind me… fast.

*catherine

Original Japanese here: http://listen.jp/store/artword_1151311_114794.htm

kisu no yukue mo wakarazu ni futari wa
ate mo nai koi ni oboreteru dake
aimai na mama no kankei wa taerenai
konna ni suki demo kanawanain da ne

dame da to wakatteru no ni te ga
fureru dake de kokoro yuragu
itsuwararete
odorasarete

mou kore de saigo kondo koso wa
nante ii tsuzuketekita keredo
hitorikiri da to
nazeka kimi ni CALL

ano hito no kao ukabanai you ni
egao wo furu matte kono shunkan yakitsuke sasetai
kono wagamama wo itsumo tsutsumikonde kureru no wa
kimi shika inai kedo watashitachi wa… NEVER WORK OUT

kizutsukeatte bakari no watashitachi wa
saishou kara dou naru ka wakatteta no ni
aitai kimochi wo osaerarezu motomeru no
konna ni suki demo kanawanain da ne

[VERBAL's part]

naritsuzukeru watashi no denwa mite (I called you)
“dare de mo nai yo” to kanojo ni tsugeru (You got me)
aitai toki dake kimi wa
yasashiku suru no ne WHY WHY WHY?
sore demo nanika wo machinozonderu
kanashii kurai

kisu no yukue mo wakarazu ni futari wa
ate mo nai koi ni oboreteru dake
aimai na mama no kankei wa taerenai
konna ni suki demo kanawanain da ne

tsuyoku tsuyoku aritai to omou hodo
naze ka karamawari suru
hitotsu hitotsu koeteku hoka ni nai
donna ni kewashiku demo

akiramenai mirai no chizu
nigirishimete hanasanai
bokura wa mou hitori ja nai
musubereteiru
meguriaeta sono kiseki wo
shinjiru chikara ni kaete
asu e tsuzuku michi wo yukou

mezasu basho wa haruka kanata ni aru
dakara yowaki ni mo naru
sonna toki wa sora ni kokoro sumaseba
kikoeru toki wo koete

akirasezu ni yume no senaka
tada ooitsuzukereba ii
daremo ikiru imi wo inaku
koto ga dekiru to
itsuka sonna shirushi ni naru
chikai daketa kono mune de
sono omoi wo uketsuiteiku

inochi ga umarete hajimete
hikari ni madoi sakebu you ni
mada umaku ienai keredo
subete koko kara hajimaru
on your mark

akireru hodo yume no kizuna
nigirishimete hanasanai
sono omosare kono tenohira kizutsukete demo
jikai wo ima katachi ni shite
bokura wa aruki hajimaru
mitsumeteite we will keep on trying
mitsumeteite we will keep on dreaming

Lyrics: AILI/VERBAL
Music: AILI
Original Japanese lyrics from

http://listen.jp/store/artword_1181236_112310.htm

namida no ato ga kieru koro ni
omoide wa It’s just always inside my heart
kazashita tenohira no sukima ni
mieru no wa donna iro I’m gonna have a good time.

a, sokka, koko wa REALITY
houttokuto yureru ugoku tamashii
achikochi no MAGAZINE de kimi wo miru to
kanashii sono hanmen subarashii…
to omou ze, LIFE that’s atarashii
GOT A NEW LIFE, right now cuz you don’t follow ME
NO MORE kimi to no shunkan, sono HEART
sono MIND wa ima doko no dare ni

osoroi de tsuketeta yubiwa wa mienai tokoro ni kakushita kara
omokage wa kasuka ni yasashiku sugisaru haru no kaze no you ni

namida no ato ga kieru koro ni
omoide wa It’s just always inside my heart
kazashita tenohira no sukima ni
mieru no wa donna iro I’m gonna have a good time.

YES… ima mo chibi chibi CHAMPAGNE
nomi, doko demo I make it RAIN RAIN
CLUB umetsukushiteku teirei
sonna koto mainichi shite umeteku kokoro no PAIN
AIN’T NOTHING REALLY CHANGED
hitori demo daijoubu na furi shite
‘itsumo shigoto no hanashi bakari da ne’
tte iwareteta hibi natsukkashikute…
sonna YESTERDAY ni te wo furi
kimochi mo FADE OUT
sonna YESTERDAY ni te wo furi
kimochi mo FADE OUT

nidome no haru wa kyonen yori sugoshi otona ni nareta ki ga shite
dareka wo aishitara me no mae to keshiki ga isshun de irozuku

namida no ato ga kieru koro ni
omoide wa It’s just always inside my heart
kazashita tenohira no sukima ni
mieru no wa donna iro I’m gonna have a good time.

betsu no hito betsu no michi yasuraka ni toki wa nagare
omou yori negatteru sumi wataru iro
tozasareta sekai ni mayottara
kagi wo sagashite ano hi no you ni

namida no ato ga kieru koro ni
omoide wa It’s just always inside my heart
kazashita tenohira no sukima ni
mieru no wa donna iro I’m gonna have a good time.

namida no ato ga kieru koro ni
omoide wa It’s just always inside my heart
kazashita tenohira no sukima ni
mieru no wa donna iro I’m gonna have a good time.

Everything’s happening on another person’s whim and I have to go along with it. Now doomed for everything that needs full concentration on. Why can’t all this wait until next month when I’m free for bloody 4 months!! What a pain in the ass.When I get to her age I hope I don’t become as useless as she is now.

I was hoping ranting here would make me feel better but nope, guess not. I’m still in the horrible mood I’ve been in for several long hours since I got home from uni.

It tears me apart to see you going through all that physical pain… but this solution is not the best. Bro shouldn’t have moved out, she should be working a PROPER job and they both should be helping you pay off your debt instead of worrying about their own lives with their full-time job paychecks. We should be more together, more united than ever in this time of crisis, but right now I’m hanging by the thread by myself, and you can’t do anything about it.

I don’t wanna fail in life like she did.

*catherine