Sometimes I just wanna…

…give the world the finger.

Studio is over an done with. Got project 1 for Maya due Monday… and you know what that means? MORE ALLNIGHTERS! YAY! Cannot wait… fun fun fun. It’s that time of the year when the pressures on and all I wanna do is JUST BE FRIENDS~ nah jokes, I wanna ragequit. [Just Be Friends by Megurine Luka, a Vocaloid is a freaking addictive song by the way…] Anyway this is just a load of crap I’m writing so that when this blog post DOES connect to Facebook, the content below will be hidden from people’s newsfeed and assume I’m a wrist-cutting emo kid… but really… I need to vent.

My previous blog post was written the day before the family had a midnight chat. Meaning things have gotten worse since my last post. The talk made me realize that for any mistakes that I had made, although nothing compared to the sibling, was exaggerated and as a result, so was the earful of shit I got from the family.

So much for living honestly so that when the family does check up on you, everything’s fine and dandy. Maybe they just wanted to make matters seem worse for me so that they feel better about themselves, I don’t know, but now I’m throwing it all back in their faces. After years of this bullshit, I may as well return the favour even if they’re family. ‘Cuz as far as I’m concerned, ‘family’ is no longer a reason.

I used to let every shit that happens slip by, because they’re ‘family’. I used to do everything they tell me to, even if I have my doubts and questions, just because they’re ‘family’ and families don’t fuck each other over. Who would’ve known lending $20 to a family member would get us to be *this close* to losing our house to a goddamn kitchen fire? If it did happen, it’ll be all on me and my trusty $20!

All the mistakes I did, from owning a messy room to being up late on the computer… it’s not so bad! But what you’re doing to yourself is beyond comprehension – especially when you had NO excuse for it! There’s no goddamn excuse left in the world for you to yell at me and threaten to hit me, because we both know that you deserve it a hundred times more. You fucking dumb bitch.

The chat went on for 3 hours… and I cried for the rest of the night. Over you. Give me my fucking wasted time and my tears back. You said to put my studies first. I had a major uni submission the next day and you fuck me over like this. Now who’s goddamn inconsiderate?

You’re so lucky to be alive, even I’m surprised you’re not hooked onto a machine right now after all these years. You said you made those mistakes so that I would see it and not follow suit. One piece of bullshit after another. You’re doing it because you LIKE it. I tried setting up conditions and a ‘contract’ for you to change, like you did to me. But no one else backed me up!! I thought it was because they trust you to change [for the billionth time], but now I realize that they just gave up on you.

Mum is relying on God now. She’s blaming all your stupidity on him. That’s why she’s forcing us to go to church weekly now. But I’ve given up. We’ve prayed for years; I’ve prayed all my life for you to be safe, especially when you were gone, but obviously my prayers were in vain. One goddamn secret after another. Mum still speaks softly to you about all this – she gives me a reason to rip off my ears every time she smells Peanut in my room! I’m almost envious of you when she held your hand the entire time we had the talk. Obviously living honestly has gotten me nowhere. Either way I’ve given up on prayers. There’s no use praying if it only gives us something to blame later on.

Fuck it all. It’s only been 4 days and you’re probably off breaking our promises again.

*catherine

2 responses to “Sometimes I just wanna…

  1. That’s intense, and reading your last post as well, i’m not sure what I can say, but I want to reply so that you ranting doesn’t go to waste and your thoughts thrown out to the void to stagnate. I admire your way of life even if it clashes with your family. It’s unfair, but that’s family for you and being stuck in that position sucks. Us friends of yours can hopefully balance out some of the turmoil that’s been lumped on you.
    🙂

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