Hmm.. all I’ve been posting are lyrics and rants recently.. I feel like a life update for a change.
For months and months now I’ve always wondered.. what if I was still talking to that person? What would our relationship be like now? If we had actually gotten together, which parts of me would change? Would we have lasted til now? Having these questions cross my mind constantly really distracts me from my daily activities. But why do I keep asking myself those questions when I was the one who had cut off everything? I was so sure I was making the right decision at the time… but what if I was wrong? Should I have made the “wrong” decision and stick with it, so now it would’ve turned out “right”?
Even though that person is one of the biggest pricks I’ve ever met, and I cannot stand being around him for a single minute, why do I try to imagine what it would be like to be with him? I don’t ever want to see him again, yet every time I board the train I look around to see if he is there. Why HIM, why not anyone else? I hate his guts, why is this even happening?
Maybe because he was the first person who listened. Maybe because he is the first person who cared for me unconditionally. Maybe it was those days we spent getting to know each other were so full of fun and laughter, and without a single worry in sight. Maybe it was the seemingly excessive hugs, the quiet walks, the company he provided when I was pulling an allnighter for uni… I realize that can never find another person like him, but I threw away our potential relationship anyway.
I still believe that decision was right. There were many clashes between us that I, being the insecure person I am, couldn’t handle. It just makes me so angry at myself that I would have any doubt at all in my own choices.
Many months have passed since then, and I have to find a way to leave all this behind me… fast.