Out of sight, out of mind

A good friend was talking to me about her boyfriend’s jealous tendencies. My reaction to his rash actions was that he needs to calm down and trust her a bit more. A few weeks later I had to pound my own advice into my own head.

My close friends who’ve been around me for years all know that I take a lot of things too seriously. I easily let what others say or do affect me to a personal level, especially when it comes to something or someone who I don’t want to lose. [Thank you for staying by me despite my horrible personality..] Once I see that something or someone is a threat, it usually isn’t reversible.

No matter what positive beliefs I had about myself or that other people had of me, it can all vanish in an instant when I hear, see or remember something I wish I shouldn’t have. In that split second I’m back to cursing myself for not being good enough, for being so hideous, wishing I was anyone else but myself, or just disappear altogether. It’s difficult to recover or save my mind from drowning in those thoughts. I start to think that every good thing that was said or done to me were all lies.

I really wish I wasn’t this weak. Once this awful thought process starts to roll, the people I care about the most start to see the worst in me. Most of the time I can’t hide it, it builds up too much and too fast for me to handle.

The only way I can recover is to gain some sort of closure… the worst part is that sometimes I’ll do whatever it takes to get it, even if it means not caring about how others might feel. Sometimes on my own impulsiveness, I’ll start getting nosy and pry the hell out of someone for information. But when I can successfully restrain myself, I just push myself a few steps back and try to remember the happy memories – the proof that the little things that made me really happy weren’t just from my imagination. I begin to try to like myself again bit by bit, and accept myself for who I am.

However those are just temporary fixes. Once the jealousy is triggered again I’m back to square one. I don’t even want to think about what I have to do to gain complete trust and closure.

*catherine

One response to “Out of sight, out of mind

  1. Hello Catherine,

    I just came accross your blog while searching for the lyrics from “Kimi sora kiseki”. Then I found this entry and while reading it, I felt the need to drop you a few lines. I just wanted to say that can absolutely relate to your thoughts and feelings that you describe here. .

    Kind regards~

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