Silent Screams

Prior to writing this entry I was curled up under two blankets trying to escape reality. It’s been a year since I have been working as a retail assistant and I think I’ve just about had enough of it. 

Staying at this job goes against everything I stand for – I never wanted a job to feel like a job. I wanted a job that I would enjoy doing even if I didn’t get paid to do it. When I first started out, it was like a dream come true. I worked with an awesome group of people and made friends – friends who understood me within 2 months unlike others who still can’t connect with me after years. I used to come into work 1-2 hours early, just to hang out. I stayed back at work for 2-4 hours, just to help out. I didn’t mind that I didn’t get paid for those extra hours. I worked 40 hour weeks without anything to bitch and whine about. Instead of being tired, I was always full of energy, and I loved my life.

But that happiness was short lived. Everyone I cared about here began to leave one by one for greener pastures. I had to report to a person who I didn’t believe in nor inspire me one bit. I could not work under a person who could not work in a team, dictates rather than leads, does not follow up on their own work, steals credit, and is an emotional wreck. 

12 months later

I’m questioning my values. Why am I making myself stay here. My workplace relationships are damaged beyond repair, I don’t intend to move up into higher positions here, am I just gonna be one of those people who work for money and disregard their morals?

I feel myself sinking lower and lower into the ground each passing day. I sit in my car dreading the final minutes before each shift, preparing myself for the worst. This is a sign that I should quit, right? I think of quitting all the time but what is holding me back?

I love what I do here. I loved the beginning where everything was so perfect, with the perfect team and all. Maybe there’s a part of me that clings on to the thought that one day, if I wait it out, things will be all right again… even though I know they won’t be. 

I’ve tried changing, I’ve tried fixing things, but everything just repeats itself. It’s a vicious, endless cycle. 

What if…

I’m left thinking about what could have been. What if I wasn’t accepted in the first place? Would I have done that internship in Canberra? Would I have started my own online store? Whatever it was I would have been doing… would I be happier than now?

All I know for sure is that anything is better than this.

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