Losing touch.

Recently I find myself losing touch with the world, a little more each day. I feel as though our society, friends and family seem to become foreign to me, and what I do for them isn’t enough. I feel bad for that, and think about what I can do to make our relationships better. But at the same time, I don’t see why I need to change myself. I’m like this because society, friends and family made me this way.

Let’s start with society.

Apparently your value, your successes, your worth, everything comes down to what you do every day to earn a living. Banks look at you by your earnings, employers look at you based on what you did in the past for money, and everyone else around you going about their day will compare their materialistic life with you. Personally I try not to do that. What I see as ‘success’ is people going about their day doing something they love, and I respect that many times more than slaving away at a job they hate so much. It’s like people have forgotten what life is really about. I’ve worked at a place where it changed me – from absolutely loving it, to wanting to leave because I hated almost everyone there. Leaving that place was one of the best things I’ve done for myself, and I couldn’t be any happier with my life right now. But when I meet new people, I’m still afraid of the questions they ask me…

  • “What do you do for a living?”
  • “Are you still studying?”
  • “Is there anything out there you want to do?”

I can’t answer all those questions without sounding like a recluse, I really can’t, so I rather not. The truth is I’m happily sitting at home, planning my future line of products, playing games, hanging with my cat, waking up and going to sleep whenever I feel like. I wake up every day for myself, and not for anyone else. I’m not bound by anything, and I guess that’s my success right there.

Friends

I’ll admit that I am not very good at keeping in touch with people. I’m not active in that manner, but should anyone need me, I’ll be there whenever they want to call me to talk to me. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing and go to see them (benefit of my ‘success’ of not being bound by routine). And when they’re happy again and no longer need my assistance, we’ll go back to NOT talking to each other for the rest of the year. That was okay with me for a while, but…

I hate it. I don’t want to be treated like a substitute friend any more.

If being the benchwarmer is what I have to do to keep being friends with someone, then I don’t wanna be friends with anyone. I’ve had friends who I only hear from when they have bad news and their own best friends are being terrible listeners. Otherwise I never hear of any good news, any updates, I am just left in the dark. Until I am needed again that is. I guess this is all just part of the (for lack of a better word) natural selection of friends. I’ll ignore messages. I’ll ignore any attempts they have at catching up with me (by catching up I mean them talking about what’s wrong with their life all day). I don’t want any part of it. I’m done being unappreciated.

Family

I feel as though I’m the oddball of the family. My interests don’t really line up with anyone else’s, but regardless I did my best to make them happy. But I look at my relationship with them now, and to be honest I see nothing there. I can’t confide in any of them, and I don’t trust them with my problems. Why is that? Because apparently, to them…

  • I am spoilt and selfish even though I never threw tantrums, wanting them to get me this and get me that.
  • I am apparently not good at saving money so they get me to give them money for them to hold onto, but then they spend it on drugs.
  • The worst I can do is stay up past 12 doing my assignments, making them take away my laptop from me until I can prove to them I won’t do it again. (Fuck you by the way, I could’ve failed it). Yup, that’s the worse I can do. Staying up late is gonna ruin my life. Not substance abuse. Not sleeping around. Not going to jail. Not running red lights.
  • They think I’ll get pregnant because I have a boyfriend, and tried to limit the time I he gets to see me. Wow do I really seem that promiscuous?
  • They are AFRAID of what outside people will think whey they find out my boyfriend stays over with us a lot, when it’s their own fault I feel safer with him around. FUCK WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK, WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL?
  • I mean when a parent is doubting you, what does it say about the way they raised you?

I’m just really disappointed in them because throughout my whole life, I’ve been trying to play my cards right. I wanted them to trust me, so I followed everything they told me. But they still don’t trust me. Maybe if I went down the path of being a crack whore, then me staying up past 12 to do my assignments wouldn’t sound so bad after all. So don’t blame me for being so distant or cold. I’m done with trying to live by your inconsistent standards.

I need to remember the only person I should worry about is myself. In the end everyone does everything for their own happiness anyway. I need to be more selfish.

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