[Lyrics] EXILE – jounetsu no hana

konya wa kaeru
sou aseru no wa
itsumo no kimi rashiku nai yo
damari konda mama utsumuki kimi
tada dakishimeru koto shika dekinai

deatta koro ni wa souzou mo tsukanai
fukaku atsui futari no omoi

hajimete deatta ano yoru kara
wakatteita hazu na no ni
suki ni narazu ni irareta no nara
sou tsubuyaite mo toki wa modoranai
kono mama

henji wo shite yo
sou sekasu no wa
hoka ni dareka kokoro ni iru kara
nomihosu gurasu wa sou itsumo yori
kanashiku mieru owari no yokan
konya no futari jounetsu wo hana you ni
maiochiru sadame
Don’t wanna beat it, hey

donna ni omotte aishiatte mo
keshite mukuwarenai to
tomadou kodou kono rizumu wa
sotto saku AMORU ni mi wo yudanete shimau
kono mama

mitsumeau sono shunkan
ANDARUSHIA no you na junpaku no omoi mo
jounetsu ni somete shimau

hajimete deatta ano yoru kara
wakatteita hazu na no ni
suki ni narazu ni irareta no nara
sou tsubuyaite mo toki wa modoranai
kono mama

[Lyrics] Sandaime J Soul Brothers – Link

♥ Tosaka Hiroomi

hageshiku moeru futatsu no honoo
eien ni kieru koto naku
uh~
sono subete wo dakishimeteitai

kodokusa wo gomakasu you ni
nando mo fureatte ita ne
owaru koto no nai toki wo kanjiteta

kono mama futari de
daremo shiranai basho e…
sore ga yurusareru koto no nai
kono ai no katachi sa…

hageshiku moeru futatsu no honoo
eien ni kieru koto naku
hitotsu ni natte toki wo tomerareru nara
mou subete ushinatte mo ii

donna ni kurushikute mo hanarerarenai
itsumade mo mamotte yuku kono ai

kokoro no yowasa wo kakusu tame ni
anata wa tsuyogatte ita ne
furerarete shimau to kowarete yuku kara

yasashii egao wa
zutto ano toki no mama de
furikaeru to setsunaku naru yo
jibun wo semeteita

hageshiku moeru kokoro no honoo
kanashii ame ni utarete mo
kasanariatte yoru wo koerareru nara
mou nani mo nozomu koto wa nai
donna ni tooku tatte tsunagatte ita

zutto soba ni itai
tatoe kono omoi ga hakanakute mo
shinjite ireba kanau ka na

hageshiku moeru futatsu no honoo
eien ni kieru koto naku
hitotsu ni natte toki wo tomerareru nara
mou subete ushinatte mo ii

hageshiku moeru kokoro no honoo
kanashii ame ni utarete mo
kasanariatte yoru wo koerareru nara
mou nani mi nozomu koto wa nai

donna ni tooku tatte tsunagatte ita
yorisotta omoide wa sou ano mama

Losing touch.

Recently I find myself losing touch with the world, a little more each day. I feel as though our society, friends and family seem to become foreign to me, and what I do for them isn’t enough. I feel bad for that, and think about what I can do to make our relationships better. But at the same time, I don’t see why I need to change myself. I’m like this because society, friends and family made me this way.

Let’s start with society.

Apparently your value, your successes, your worth, everything comes down to what you do every day to earn a living. Banks look at you by your earnings, employers look at you based on what you did in the past for money, and everyone else around you going about their day will compare their materialistic life with you. Personally I try not to do that. What I see as ‘success’ is people going about their day doing something they love, and I respect that many times more than slaving away at a job they hate so much. It’s like people have forgotten what life is really about. I’ve worked at a place where it changed me – from absolutely loving it, to wanting to leave because I hated almost everyone there. Leaving that place was one of the best things I’ve done for myself, and I couldn’t be any happier with my life right now. But when I meet new people, I’m still afraid of the questions they ask me…

  • “What do you do for a living?”
  • “Are you still studying?”
  • “Is there anything out there you want to do?”

I can’t answer all those questions without sounding like a recluse, I really can’t, so I rather not. The truth is I’m happily sitting at home, planning my future line of products, playing games, hanging with my cat, waking up and going to sleep whenever I feel like. I wake up every day for myself, and not for anyone else. I’m not bound by anything, and I guess that’s my success right there.

Friends

I’ll admit that I am not very good at keeping in touch with people. I’m not active in that manner, but should anyone need me, I’ll be there whenever they want to call me to talk to me. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing and go to see them (benefit of my ‘success’ of not being bound by routine). And when they’re happy again and no longer need my assistance, we’ll go back to NOT talking to each other for the rest of the year. That was okay with me for a while, but…

I hate it. I don’t want to be treated like a substitute friend any more.

If being the benchwarmer is what I have to do to keep being friends with someone, then I don’t wanna be friends with anyone. I’ve had friends who I only hear from when they have bad news and their own best friends are being terrible listeners. Otherwise I never hear of any good news, any updates, I am just left in the dark. Until I am needed again that is. I guess this is all just part of the (for lack of a better word) natural selection of friends. I’ll ignore messages. I’ll ignore any attempts they have at catching up with me (by catching up I mean them talking about what’s wrong with their life all day). I don’t want any part of it. I’m done being unappreciated.

Family

I feel as though I’m the oddball of the family. My interests don’t really line up with anyone else’s, but regardless I did my best to make them happy. But I look at my relationship with them now, and to be honest I see nothing there. I can’t confide in any of them, and I don’t trust them with my problems. Why is that? Because apparently, to them…

  • I am spoilt and selfish even though I never threw tantrums, wanting them to get me this and get me that.
  • I am apparently not good at saving money so they get me to give them money for them to hold onto, but then they spend it on drugs.
  • The worst I can do is stay up past 12 doing my assignments, making them take away my laptop from me until I can prove to them I won’t do it again. (Fuck you by the way, I could’ve failed it). Yup, that’s the worse I can do. Staying up late is gonna ruin my life. Not substance abuse. Not sleeping around. Not going to jail. Not running red lights.
  • They think I’ll get pregnant because I have a boyfriend, and tried to limit the time I he gets to see me. Wow do I really seem that promiscuous?
  • They are AFRAID of what outside people will think whey they find out my boyfriend stays over with us a lot, when it’s their own fault I feel safer with him around. FUCK WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK, WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL?
  • I mean when a parent is doubting you, what does it say about the way they raised you?

I’m just really disappointed in them because throughout my whole life, I’ve been trying to play my cards right. I wanted them to trust me, so I followed everything they told me. But they still don’t trust me. Maybe if I went down the path of being a crack whore, then me staying up past 12 to do my assignments wouldn’t sound so bad after all. So don’t blame me for being so distant or cold. I’m done with trying to live by your inconsistent standards.

I need to remember the only person I should worry about is myself. In the end everyone does everything for their own happiness anyway. I need to be more selfish.

So I Quit My Job…

I was officially there for 1 year and 2 days.

And I was expecting this wave of relief to overcome me.

But it didn’t happen! Instead I dived straight into research and planning what’s going to happen next in my life.

I didn’t quit out of the blue – quitting has actually been on my mind for a long time. A few of the factors that lead to myself acting upon my decision were:

1. The retail world is full of dumbasses.

I’m serious. I worked under someone who does not how to do simple maths, lacked common sense, inefficient – everything you DON’T look for in a job posting. They claimed to have had 20 years of retail experience – doing what exactly? I was told that I work heaps better and I’ve only been in retail for one year. Fun fact: while I had to work my ass off for a secure place in the roster amongst nearly 40 people [team got cut down to 5 people from 40], they secured a salary through bullshitting an interview. I had to get out of there before I turned into a total idiot.

2. My boyfriend’s manager was worried about my design career.

Quite sad that it took someone else’s manager to tell me that I need to put more time and effort into sorting myself out and finding out what I really wanted to do. He could tell from a glance that I hated retail when I told him what I was doing. A lot of his advice stuck with me from that single encounter. He said, and I paraphrase, “If you’re not stressing over something when you get home and have the time to play games, watch movies, something’s not right.” I guess it really hit home… but I still do love my gaming time.

3. When my area manager said I was “just mucking around”.

I had a lovely chat with my area manager and he asked me if I was studying. I said no, I graduated a while back. He asked if I was working elsewhere. I said no. He said “So you’re just mucking around then?”. I wanted to throw whatever was in my hand at him. But it really hit me how true it was. How long was I gonna float around for? FYI, he resigned two months before I did.

4. When I designed a logo for a friend’s online baby clothing store.

Whilst I was still employed, I whipped up a character for a friend to use as his logo. It was the most fun I had in a while doing something design related. I didn’t even want them to pay me for it, I just had lots of fun with it. And it got me thinking… this is something I’m willing to do for free… whilst my job requires the idea of a weekly payslip to drag me out of bed for work. Hmm…

5. The amount of time I spent complaining about work.

Well this relates to point #1 up there but yeah, I did find most of my free time was dreading and complaining about work with my colleagues and my boyfriend. My work-life balance was whacked up because there was that much to be stressed out about. Although being able to vent it out was good and relieved a lot of pressure, it started to become an recurring cycle.

6. Stocktake in fast moving consumer goods retail sucks. BALLS.

Period. Never going through that again.

7. Potential business opportunity.

I had a random chat with my brother and he had a business idea which coincided with mine. It was something I wanted to do but had little confidence to achieve it on my own. Maybe it’ll work out this time, with his support. AND no, it’s not anything dodgy like pyramid schemes. It’s still design related :).

That’s it for the massive spontaneous update on where I’m headed in life. I’m glad I was able to leave on relatively good terms with management so I’m left with no regrets.

Thanks for reading!

Catherine.

Silent Screams

Prior to writing this entry I was curled up under two blankets trying to escape reality. It’s been a year since I have been working as a retail assistant and I think I’ve just about had enough of it. 

Staying at this job goes against everything I stand for – I never wanted a job to feel like a job. I wanted a job that I would enjoy doing even if I didn’t get paid to do it. When I first started out, it was like a dream come true. I worked with an awesome group of people and made friends – friends who understood me within 2 months unlike others who still can’t connect with me after years. I used to come into work 1-2 hours early, just to hang out. I stayed back at work for 2-4 hours, just to help out. I didn’t mind that I didn’t get paid for those extra hours. I worked 40 hour weeks without anything to bitch and whine about. Instead of being tired, I was always full of energy, and I loved my life.

But that happiness was short lived. Everyone I cared about here began to leave one by one for greener pastures. I had to report to a person who I didn’t believe in nor inspire me one bit. I could not work under a person who could not work in a team, dictates rather than leads, does not follow up on their own work, steals credit, and is an emotional wreck. 

12 months later

I’m questioning my values. Why am I making myself stay here. My workplace relationships are damaged beyond repair, I don’t intend to move up into higher positions here, am I just gonna be one of those people who work for money and disregard their morals?

I feel myself sinking lower and lower into the ground each passing day. I sit in my car dreading the final minutes before each shift, preparing myself for the worst. This is a sign that I should quit, right? I think of quitting all the time but what is holding me back?

I love what I do here. I loved the beginning where everything was so perfect, with the perfect team and all. Maybe there’s a part of me that clings on to the thought that one day, if I wait it out, things will be all right again… even though I know they won’t be. 

I’ve tried changing, I’ve tried fixing things, but everything just repeats itself. It’s a vicious, endless cycle. 

What if…

I’m left thinking about what could have been. What if I wasn’t accepted in the first place? Would I have done that internship in Canberra? Would I have started my own online store? Whatever it was I would have been doing… would I be happier than now?

All I know for sure is that anything is better than this.

Rain

I found a collection of creative writing that I did in year 10 (8 years ago). A lot of writing I did back then was generally about going through the teenage stages of life, but amongst them were… what I consider now to be the masterpieces of my younger years. My writing has come back to re-inspire me and show me the way back to being self confident about my work, when there were no wrong answers. Enjoy :).

—————-

Wednesday 6th September 2006

Rain

I am the rain that falls onto the trees
To give them life
Just sun will not suffice

I am the rain that falls into the rivers
For the fish to swim
Or for people to use as a bin

I am the rain collected in tanks
So people can drink
Or to rinse in the sink

I am the rain that falls in the reservoir
Taken to houses when plenty
No use to anyone if empty

I am the rain that runs through taps
With a purposeful use
Or just for waste and abuse

I am the rain that falls on the ground
In puddles is where I can be found
Before I make my way back to the clouds

I am the rain that connects the earth to the sky
Eternally separated as the years drift by
With lingering hope, I wish for this:
To bring the people’s hearts together
That peace and calm will remain forever

Catherine Nguyen
10 Catherine

Brand New Map

I found a collection of creative writing that I did in year 10 (8 years ago). A lot of writing I did back then was generally about going through the teenage stages of life, but amongst them were… what I consider now to be the masterpieces of my younger years. My writing has come back to re-inspire me and show me the way back to being self confident about my work, when there were no wrong answers. Enjoy :).

—————-

Wednesday 28th August 2006

Brand New Map

I want to make something out of my life,
So I’ll start with ending all strife.
I’ll draw a map out of the air,
Including things to make the world fair.

A left turn to achieve my dreams,
Walking east to start new means.
Running west to make amendments,
Looking up to count all my achievements.

One look to the back for desert ranges,
Look to the front for future changes.
Two steps forward for motivation,
A thousand steps come to revelation.

A stop to rethink priorities,
What comes first, what comes in the twenties.
A pause to get through obstacles,
Things in life can get a little bit subtle.

Show what I’m made of at checkpoints,
To let them know that I’m not spoilt.
I’ll fight to construct my creations,
Nothing will get in the way of my intuition.

It’s never too late to start,
Your life is made of what you carve.
Through roundabouts and winding roads,
A heart and mind stays true and bold.

I’ll be on my way.

Catherine Nguyen
Class: 10 Catherine